Have I taken myself for granted?

Have I taken myself for granted?

When was the last time, I did something to make myself happy. Why am I always filled with guilt when I fulfill my wishes? Life always gives you options and your choice depends on your priorities. Why was I never a priority for anyone, even for myself?  I have never really thought about it. But after all these years I feel empty and lonely. Its like I have given my soul to my relationships and now I am all desolated. Its all my fault. I never broke down before anybody and now no one expects me too. Some people become more weak when I break down and some display wrath at my helpless situation. I have no one who would hug me and say that no matter how things end , I need to be happy.

I have always prioritized relations and their needs. I have come a long way trying to make everyone happy. Yet I feel futile and long for the things I left behind. I long for the "Old me" more than anything else. I feel I have nothing original left in me. I am what everyone wants me to be- cheerful, confident, giving and loving. There was a time I wanted to be a part of the crowd, surrounded by my treasured relations. Today I want to run away to a deserted island. Anyways, that's how I am surviving. People who care are too weak to handle my despair and my only support system has given up on me. It only demands. I am sick, physically and mentally. But I have no one to talk to. I don't want an ear, I want a heart to talk to.

I was so disgusted by people who look at life as a burden. But now I understand, what it is to be in their shoes. I never thought I would end up here. The deafening silence around me is suffocating me. The endless calls to a voicemail is making me numb. I cant feel anything. The only regret I have is, if at-least once I would have thought about my happiness. If once I would have paid more attention to my soul instead of the plastered and painted image that I have created through all these years. If once I had the courage to give up instead of believing every time that things will change. I might not have been happy but I would have had no regrets. Sometimes living life at your terms and for yourself isn't all that bad. You are at first responsible for your own mental peace and harmony.
Thinking for your life doesn't make you selfish.

YAHI SOCH TOH BADALNI HAI!!!